This little boy.....

Before I had PorkChop, hubby and I were in complete agreement that he was going to be our last. He was the tie breaker after all. The little one that would decide if the boys or the girls would rule as the somewhat civil majority in the house. He was a hotly debated little one as it was since we kept going back and forth if we seriously wanted another after SweetPea (and yes, we DID want another.... and yes, he is very much a wanted little blessing).

When he was born and turned out to be the little man that I didn't even realize just how much I wanted, I was thrilled beyond words... and a little heart sick that he was not the girl that I had always pictured being the baby of our family. I am not even sure why, but growing up, I just knew that I would have four kids and that the baby would be a girl. Two boys, two girls and I would be done.

PorkChop loving on Squawk

Now, when I was making these plans at 12, 13, 14 years old, I never expected to walk into a marriage with three step-daughters. I never expected to go into a second marriage with two step-sons. I never expected after having Punk and Peanut that I would eventually go on to actually have two more babies. And if you would have told me growing up that the number of children residing with me would actually be five instead of four, I might have looked at you as if you had a few too many heads on your shoulders.

But that's how it happened. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Until December.......

When my hubby, who had been planning on getting snipped since before PorkChop made his official arrival earthside and into our hearts and arms, announced that he wouldn't mind adding a #6 into our lives. Not only wouldn't mind it but had been mulling the idea over quite seriously for a bit. And not just mulling it over but actually planning on telling me all the reasons why it would work.

And that's when my jaw hit the ground.....

Like I mentioned, I had been a little out of sorts that my "dream" baby would never be. But I was content with my little man. I look at him, even now, snuggled up warm and sleepy, cuddled against my leg and my heart fills with such love that I feel that I may burst. See, he IS my baby. He is all mine and he lets the world know it. So how could I even entertain the idea of another one? Besides, right now, it just doesn't work into our plans. Our car isn't big enough, our house is at capacity... how would we juggle another?

But the idea of snuggling a wee one again.... Breastfeeding a newborn baby again.... Wearing a tiny bundle against your heart instead of a toddler who delights in pulling your pony and yelling "weee!!!!!!" as if you were a horse.... Those thoughts can definitely tug at your heart strings. 

So I asked for a year to decide. In a year, Pickle will be in high school. Which means that depending on what he chooses to do after high school, he will only be our "dependent" for another three years. Our car will be paid off next year and we would be able to trade it in for a van. This house will be paid off and we can begin the process of buying it outright from our father-in-law instead of just paying the mortgage for him. And in a year, I might have made a firm decision on if I could replace my sweet little Porker as the baby.

Then Squawk came along.... I was sure that PorkChop would hate sharing attention for the nine days that she lived with us. I was sure that he would be resentful and angry and would finally show us all the reasons why another baby would be the worst idea ever. But apparently, I have a lot to learn from my youngest son. Not only did he dote on Squawk, but he wanted to help me with everything. He was the one handing me diapers. He helped with the bottles and burping. If she cried, he was the first to run to her for a hug or a pat on the head. True, he wasn't too keen on mama holding another baby but as long as he could squish his way onto my lap too, he was content.

I started to realize that maybe PorkChop was telling me that he doesn't mind sharing the spotlight. That maybe he needs a younger sibling to help pour that affection bursting in his heart. But thankfully, he isn't ready to commit to anything yet which suits me fine. Because I am not sure that I am ready to give up my sleep for another one quite yet.