calm before the storm

Do you ever feel trapped in between what you know is coming and what you know is already behind you? Like the eye of a hurricane, you wait... knowing that you need to clear this obstacle before life resumes but you want to hold on to that moment of peace and respite anyway. That's pretty much where I stand today. I am looking back over 18 months of questions (ok, 16 months since the first fever hit at 2 months old... or was the first official one at 4 months? Which would make it looking back over the past 14 months... *sigh*) and standing at the doorway of answers. Answers because tomorrow at 230pm, we will be seeing the pediatric infectious disease doctor that will hopefully be able to start us on the road to understanding why our littlest bird "molts" every few months.

If outwardly I am calm, inwardly, I am a nervous wreck. I kept Peanut home from school today just because I was too lazy to get out of bed this morning. Ok, so I wasn't "lazy", I just hadn't slept yet. Poor PorkChop had bad nightmares half the night from his hospital stay. Couple that with not being discharged until midnight, it made for a LONG day turned LONG night turned into the next LONG day.

enjoying our last bit of spring weather

Thankfully, though, keeping Peanut home meant that I could deal a little more with the on-going fever without slighting SweetPea. She had a built in buddy while I waited for the motrin to kick in and lower PorkChop's temperature. It meant that, once he was feeling more like himself, there was plenty of hands to go around to keep him happy and occupied... which gave me more time to do a small bit of research online to familiarize myself with what his results were showing.

It also meant that I could be there for my three youngest when they wanted to go outside before our predicted rain/wind storm hit. Even though the three of them are anything but calm, they were a welcome calm in the storms in my head. Taking them outside, watching the girls ride their bikes and hubby pushing PorkChop around on his tractor gave me some time to focus. Time to rearrange my thoughts, figure out what I wanted to present to the doctor tomorrow, what I could skip, what I felt was important to share and what I felt would just be me rattling along.

I can look back at today and think of all the times that I was preoccupied with the coming whirlwind. Hopefully, my children can look back at today and remember that mom made them pizza for lunch. That she applauded their biking skills. That she stopped to watch the birds fly overhead while holding small hands in hers. I hope that they remember today fondly... as a day when mom gave them the chance to enjoy themselves without the bustle of every day life, even if mom's head was already flooding with information.

Tomorrow will be here before I know it. I will be entering the office of someone who might be able to give us some answers. Tonight, I do not feel ready but at the same time, I know that I am prepared.

I can face this storm and come out stronger. I can be the eye of the hurricane, for my youngest son. For him, I can fly.